Saturday, December 28, 2013
Pitbull In A Skirt: You can defeat the Breadwinner in a divorce, but p...
Pitbull In A Skirt: You can defeat the Breadwinner in a divorce, but p...: As you approach another New Year, if you find yourself deciding to file for a divorce, and you have been a stay-at-home mom for the entire d...
You can defeat the Breadwinner in a divorce, but preparation is key!
As you approach another New Year, if you find yourself deciding to file for a divorce, and you have been a stay-at-home mom for the entire duration or most of your marriage, you have to make sure you get your affairs in order. Preparation is key!
For whatever reason, after practicing family law for almost 22 years, I find that men who are Breadwinners rarely file for divorce, even if the marriage is basically over, meaning the spouses have no intimacy, they sleep in separate rooms, they do not communicate much, except as it relates to the kids, and they no longer spend time together as a couple (no date nights and no trips together without the kids), etc.
There is truth in the saying, "It's cheaper to keep her." Most married men who are the Breadwinners in the family would rather stay in a dead marriage than to file for divorce because they do not want to pay child support and/or alimony. Instead, these men will have one or more (usually multiple) affairs, and continue on with their day-to-day living as if everything is going great at home, all while ignoring his wife and her personal needs. (Note - not every Breadwinner is this way, but enough of them are for you to prepare yourself for what is to come when a divorce is filed.) Some Breadwinners who work in corporate America would much rather keep up the image as a married, family man, even though he and his wife sleep in separate rooms at home. He will make sure all the bills are paid at home, but that's the full extent of the relationship that he maintains with his wife, and he is perfectly fine with it. He will ignore your complaints and pleas to make your marriage work because it is working for him and his professional purposes. And, he is thoroughly enjoying his personal life - without you. He may even suggest that you get a life and stop nagging him so much!
So, what do you do as the stay at home mom, or as the wife has not worked outside of her marriage (i.e., the wife who has fully supported her husband's business over the years by handling all administrative matters for her husband's company, by handling all tax matters for her husband's business, by reviewing all contracts or by managing all contract workers for her husband's business, etc.)? You have begun to feel dead inside your marriage. Your husband ignores you in every way, and he seems to be perfectly content in a separate life that does not include you. You have stayed for years because of the kids, and you have attempted to turn your husband's interest back to you, but everything has failed. You've cooked his favorite meals, you've gone to the gym and gotten in the best shape of your life, you have gone to counseling alone because the problem is you, not him (which is what he told you), and you have accompanied your husband to all company events, looking flawless - until he just suddenly stopped asking you to go. Now, what?
1. The first thing you must do is to make your mind up that you want out. You need to think long and hard. If out is what you want, then you have to prepare yourself. Make up your mind first. This is the hardest step.
2. Since you have been out of the workforce (outside of the home), part of your post divorce survival will depend on a proper division of marital assets. Not just physical things like furniture and paintings, but intangible assets like retirement accounts, pensions, money market accounts, CD's, investments, and other intangible assets. What about that value of the business that you helped create or elevate during the marriage? What about the vacation home, condo, and rental property? Gather information on all assets, real, personal and intangible before you make a move. Your access to these assets will be diminished if you file for divorce before your preparation is done.
3. Gather as much relevant evidence as possible before selecting your attorney. Evidence of income over at least a 3-year period or longer, marital assets, debts, bad behavior such as adultery, cruel treatment, abuse, lack of co-parenting by the husband - whatever is applicable, gather it before you hire and attorney, and continue gathering evidence before your divorce is actually filed. Then once it is filed, continue to gather and monitor everything that you still have access to because your estranged husband will shut you down once he is served with the divorce.
4. Secure an aggressive attorney that will work with you. More on this in a later blog. Suffice it to say that Breadwinners will do everything possible to protect what they have, and you will need an experienced attorney to know how to go after what you and/or your kids need for your post-divorce life. Your divorce attorney will also advise you how to govern yourself during the divorce process, and how to prepare yourself for the possible responses by your estranged husband. Many Breadwinners seek primary custody of the minor children because even though they have not been active during the marriage with the kids, they will become very active with the children when a divorce is filed. Typically, he doesn't want to give you money, and these type of men will do what they can to avoid putting any amount directly in your hand.
5. Keep your mouth closed. Do not discuss your plans with any family members or friends. You probably need to wait until just right before or the day of your divorce filing to tell your parents or very close family members. They may inadvertently alert your husband, or they may offer what I call laypeople's "legal" advice ("I heard that...") That advice is almost always legally incorrect or incomplete. Once your divorce is filed, do not provide too many details to family members and friends. You need their support, but you do not need them in your business.
This information provides just some preliminary steps to take if you are a stay at home mom considering a divorce. It is a difficult decision, but once you make your mind up, you must prepare yourself properly. It will be an emotional roller-coaster and a battle like no other. A well-thought out plan is critical to your post-divorce survival, and remember - Preparation is key!
For whatever reason, after practicing family law for almost 22 years, I find that men who are Breadwinners rarely file for divorce, even if the marriage is basically over, meaning the spouses have no intimacy, they sleep in separate rooms, they do not communicate much, except as it relates to the kids, and they no longer spend time together as a couple (no date nights and no trips together without the kids), etc.
There is truth in the saying, "It's cheaper to keep her." Most married men who are the Breadwinners in the family would rather stay in a dead marriage than to file for divorce because they do not want to pay child support and/or alimony. Instead, these men will have one or more (usually multiple) affairs, and continue on with their day-to-day living as if everything is going great at home, all while ignoring his wife and her personal needs. (Note - not every Breadwinner is this way, but enough of them are for you to prepare yourself for what is to come when a divorce is filed.) Some Breadwinners who work in corporate America would much rather keep up the image as a married, family man, even though he and his wife sleep in separate rooms at home. He will make sure all the bills are paid at home, but that's the full extent of the relationship that he maintains with his wife, and he is perfectly fine with it. He will ignore your complaints and pleas to make your marriage work because it is working for him and his professional purposes. And, he is thoroughly enjoying his personal life - without you. He may even suggest that you get a life and stop nagging him so much!
So, what do you do as the stay at home mom, or as the wife has not worked outside of her marriage (i.e., the wife who has fully supported her husband's business over the years by handling all administrative matters for her husband's company, by handling all tax matters for her husband's business, by reviewing all contracts or by managing all contract workers for her husband's business, etc.)? You have begun to feel dead inside your marriage. Your husband ignores you in every way, and he seems to be perfectly content in a separate life that does not include you. You have stayed for years because of the kids, and you have attempted to turn your husband's interest back to you, but everything has failed. You've cooked his favorite meals, you've gone to the gym and gotten in the best shape of your life, you have gone to counseling alone because the problem is you, not him (which is what he told you), and you have accompanied your husband to all company events, looking flawless - until he just suddenly stopped asking you to go. Now, what?
1. The first thing you must do is to make your mind up that you want out. You need to think long and hard. If out is what you want, then you have to prepare yourself. Make up your mind first. This is the hardest step.
2. Since you have been out of the workforce (outside of the home), part of your post divorce survival will depend on a proper division of marital assets. Not just physical things like furniture and paintings, but intangible assets like retirement accounts, pensions, money market accounts, CD's, investments, and other intangible assets. What about that value of the business that you helped create or elevate during the marriage? What about the vacation home, condo, and rental property? Gather information on all assets, real, personal and intangible before you make a move. Your access to these assets will be diminished if you file for divorce before your preparation is done.
3. Gather as much relevant evidence as possible before selecting your attorney. Evidence of income over at least a 3-year period or longer, marital assets, debts, bad behavior such as adultery, cruel treatment, abuse, lack of co-parenting by the husband - whatever is applicable, gather it before you hire and attorney, and continue gathering evidence before your divorce is actually filed. Then once it is filed, continue to gather and monitor everything that you still have access to because your estranged husband will shut you down once he is served with the divorce.
4. Secure an aggressive attorney that will work with you. More on this in a later blog. Suffice it to say that Breadwinners will do everything possible to protect what they have, and you will need an experienced attorney to know how to go after what you and/or your kids need for your post-divorce life. Your divorce attorney will also advise you how to govern yourself during the divorce process, and how to prepare yourself for the possible responses by your estranged husband. Many Breadwinners seek primary custody of the minor children because even though they have not been active during the marriage with the kids, they will become very active with the children when a divorce is filed. Typically, he doesn't want to give you money, and these type of men will do what they can to avoid putting any amount directly in your hand.
5. Keep your mouth closed. Do not discuss your plans with any family members or friends. You probably need to wait until just right before or the day of your divorce filing to tell your parents or very close family members. They may inadvertently alert your husband, or they may offer what I call laypeople's "legal" advice ("I heard that...") That advice is almost always legally incorrect or incomplete. Once your divorce is filed, do not provide too many details to family members and friends. You need their support, but you do not need them in your business.
This information provides just some preliminary steps to take if you are a stay at home mom considering a divorce. It is a difficult decision, but once you make your mind up, you must prepare yourself properly. It will be an emotional roller-coaster and a battle like no other. A well-thought out plan is critical to your post-divorce survival, and remember - Preparation is key!
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