Since I am giving up social media for Lent this year, and Lent starts on March 1, 2017 though Easter on April 16th, I'd like to share some thoughts with today's young women in pre-celebration of Women's History Month. The month of March is when we highlight the numerous contributions of women in history and in today's society. As a mother of two adult daughters, I've tried to lead by example to show them what education, goals, hard work, tenacity, prayer, and faith will get you. So, I just want to share some notes now, and maybe one young woman may be inspired by these words to fulfill God's Purpose for her life.
1. It is never too early or too late to set some goals. Each of us has one or more God-given talents that makes us unique. What drives you? What motivates you? What are you passionate about? Figure out what careers best support your talents. That way, you can monetize your passion and enjoy your career instead of living a lack luster life in a job or multiple jobs that you hate. Don't just exist - LIVE. You could be the next Shirley Ann Jackson, Angela Davis, or Dr. Mae C. Jemison. Or maybe you are the next Beyoncé, Tyra Banks or Viola Davis? You won't know until you establish some goals and plan for your own success. Aspire to be great, and work towards your goals. Forget your past, triumph over your ADHD, dyslexia, or child abuse. Whatever makes you feel worthless and weak. Forget your prior mistakes and your upbringing. Sometimes, the most successful women have become so against all odds. You are capable, too.
2. After setting your goals, establish a timeline and steps for completing your goals. Will you need training or additional education? Will you need a bachelor's degree, master's degree and/or a doctorate? Education is the difference in my life! Once you receive your degree(s), that sense of accomplishment is so gratifying, and no one can take that away. Maybe, however, your career choice requires experience instead? Study others who were and are successful. How did they do it? How did they gain experience? Establish a routine and a plan for your success. Network. Be in the right place. Perfect your craft. Focus. Don't be so easily distracted with nonsense. Can't find a paid job using your creative talent? Volunteer until your services are in demand. Be ready and prepared when opportunity knocks. Then, once you make it, don't forget to get involved in community service. You are blessed to be a blessing to others. Set new goals as you accomplish your old goals. Never be stagnant.
3. Don't look for shortcuts and "hook-ups" all the time. Nothing replaces hard work, dedication and determination. Always do research. Things change faster than we realize. Stay on your grind. Hook-ups won't keep you. I'm not saying don't utilize the benefits and favor you have; on the contrary, I'm saying build on them, and don't cheat yourself. Of course, sometimes Favor, who you know, who is part of your family, and other advantages that everyone doesn't have may make things easier for you, but ultimately, YOUR talent, YOUR skill, YOUR tenacity, and YOUR effort will sustain you. Who you know may help you get into a certain position or space, but that won't keep you there. Shortcuts and hook-ups will ultimately become a detriment if you solely rely on that, but don't have the drive, ability and skills to maintain yourself in any position that you get.
4. Believe in yourself! There are so many things and people in life that can cause us to have low self-esteem! Negative people are everywhere. They are unhappy with their own lives and think nothing about telling you you're ugly, too pretty, fat, skinny, too dumb, too dark skinned, too light skinned, too poor, from a bad neighborhood, too country, too proper, etc , etc. You name it! Someone will always be there to try to knock you down, even if they are doing so subconsciously. Sometimes those naysayers are family, like a parent, sibling, Aunt, Uncle or Cousin. Sometimes, it could a friend telling you that your goals are stupid or unrealistic. It could be a friend that your started off with who has lagged behind for one reason or another. Friends become haters sometimes. Time reveals all truths. So does success. Please know that you have the independent ability to control your own destiny. God created you for a Divine Purpose. You are so unique and so special. You can do all things!
5. Don't base your life on some man, especially if you are unmarried. At this point in my life, I've seen so many young women miss or delay their Purpose running behind some man who is not even serious about them anyway. Sometimes, you are unevenly yoked with the man in your life. Surely, young women today don't have to guess about if a guy is serious about them. Listen to what they say in music about women. Some of that disrespect is not just entertainment. Some of it is true. If you are in school, whether it's high school, college or even graduate school, please don't let some guy get you to quit and give up on your dreams. Now, I'm aware that some women support their husband to greatness, but that's a husband and your marriage is supposed to be a partnership. But don't give a boyfriend, or even a guy that's someone else's man so much control over your life.
6. Don't aspire to be a "baby mama", " groupie" or "gold-digger". I've heard it called " bum chick" as well. Okay, this may hit a nerve, but there are young women who may be beautiful physically, but something is not quite right mentally or emotionally for various reasons. These type of women seek to meet and have a baby by a professional athlete, recording artist, actor, etc. They wake up in the morning, hit the gym like they are training for a decathlon, research where these guys are going to be, show up looking flawless, meet these guys, end up in their hotel room or wherever, lie about being on birth control, and risk their lives having unprotected sex with these men, who are willing to accommodate them. Then, they have a baby and want to be a stay at home mom, like they were married. I'm not saying there is something wrong with meeting a man who is wealthy or rich - it just doesn't need to be a career goal, aspiration or sole purpose for waking up each morning. What makes you uniquely you? Establish something that you do for a living, besides having a baby out of wedlock by the right " one". God has a much higher, and much more fulfilling purpose for your life.
7. Surround yourself with positive people. Family and friends that celebrate your successes are best. And you celebrate them as well. Encourage each other. Your circle will be smaller, but better. Let's stop being jealous of each other. Let's stop tearing each other down. Let's stop acting like less than a lady, especially in public. As women, we have historically suffered from the inequities of society. In 2017, we are paid less and expected to do more. We still are subjected to harassment in our workplace and in our careers, both sexual harassment and otherwise. We still are not taken seriously in business if we are too pretty. We still are called derogatory words if we are too good at our job, especially in a male-dominated field. Let's not tear each other down on top of all the roadblocks that society has in store for us, too.
8. Once you have children, model the type of woman and mother that you want your daughters to be. Model the type of woman your son will seek to marry. If you are single, separated or divorced, do not keep your children away from their father, unless there is a legitimate legal reason to do so. Co-parent with Dad even if you really can't stand him. I know that can be hard, but we are so strong. There's nothing we cannot accomplish. The Dad may have been a jerk as a mate, but just fine as a father. Kids need both parents and both sides of their extended families. Do what's right by your children.
In closing! life is short, but what you do with yours could affect not only your children, but also generations to come. Your specific life might just be bigger than just YOU. Your triumphs over adversity might bring someone else out of darkness and despair. Don't take yourself for granted.
As we celebrate phenomenal women during t he month of March, let's continue to work on our own phenomenal selves. During this upcoming month and everyday, we can make contributions that will make a difference to many or just to one another. There is no limit to what we women can do or the power that we hold when we plan and work towards our own success! Live life victoriously, and remember, it 's never too late to start or start over again!
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Pitbull In A Skirt: You can defeat the Breadwinner in a divorce, but p...
Pitbull In A Skirt: You can defeat the Breadwinner in a divorce, but p...: As you approach another New Year, if you find yourself deciding to file for a divorce, and you have been a stay-at-home mom for the entire d...
You can defeat the Breadwinner in a divorce, but preparation is key!
As you approach another New Year, if you find yourself deciding to file for a divorce, and you have been a stay-at-home mom for the entire duration or most of your marriage, you have to make sure you get your affairs in order. Preparation is key!
For whatever reason, after practicing family law for almost 22 years, I find that men who are Breadwinners rarely file for divorce, even if the marriage is basically over, meaning the spouses have no intimacy, they sleep in separate rooms, they do not communicate much, except as it relates to the kids, and they no longer spend time together as a couple (no date nights and no trips together without the kids), etc.
There is truth in the saying, "It's cheaper to keep her." Most married men who are the Breadwinners in the family would rather stay in a dead marriage than to file for divorce because they do not want to pay child support and/or alimony. Instead, these men will have one or more (usually multiple) affairs, and continue on with their day-to-day living as if everything is going great at home, all while ignoring his wife and her personal needs. (Note - not every Breadwinner is this way, but enough of them are for you to prepare yourself for what is to come when a divorce is filed.) Some Breadwinners who work in corporate America would much rather keep up the image as a married, family man, even though he and his wife sleep in separate rooms at home. He will make sure all the bills are paid at home, but that's the full extent of the relationship that he maintains with his wife, and he is perfectly fine with it. He will ignore your complaints and pleas to make your marriage work because it is working for him and his professional purposes. And, he is thoroughly enjoying his personal life - without you. He may even suggest that you get a life and stop nagging him so much!
So, what do you do as the stay at home mom, or as the wife has not worked outside of her marriage (i.e., the wife who has fully supported her husband's business over the years by handling all administrative matters for her husband's company, by handling all tax matters for her husband's business, by reviewing all contracts or by managing all contract workers for her husband's business, etc.)? You have begun to feel dead inside your marriage. Your husband ignores you in every way, and he seems to be perfectly content in a separate life that does not include you. You have stayed for years because of the kids, and you have attempted to turn your husband's interest back to you, but everything has failed. You've cooked his favorite meals, you've gone to the gym and gotten in the best shape of your life, you have gone to counseling alone because the problem is you, not him (which is what he told you), and you have accompanied your husband to all company events, looking flawless - until he just suddenly stopped asking you to go. Now, what?
1. The first thing you must do is to make your mind up that you want out. You need to think long and hard. If out is what you want, then you have to prepare yourself. Make up your mind first. This is the hardest step.
2. Since you have been out of the workforce (outside of the home), part of your post divorce survival will depend on a proper division of marital assets. Not just physical things like furniture and paintings, but intangible assets like retirement accounts, pensions, money market accounts, CD's, investments, and other intangible assets. What about that value of the business that you helped create or elevate during the marriage? What about the vacation home, condo, and rental property? Gather information on all assets, real, personal and intangible before you make a move. Your access to these assets will be diminished if you file for divorce before your preparation is done.
3. Gather as much relevant evidence as possible before selecting your attorney. Evidence of income over at least a 3-year period or longer, marital assets, debts, bad behavior such as adultery, cruel treatment, abuse, lack of co-parenting by the husband - whatever is applicable, gather it before you hire and attorney, and continue gathering evidence before your divorce is actually filed. Then once it is filed, continue to gather and monitor everything that you still have access to because your estranged husband will shut you down once he is served with the divorce.
4. Secure an aggressive attorney that will work with you. More on this in a later blog. Suffice it to say that Breadwinners will do everything possible to protect what they have, and you will need an experienced attorney to know how to go after what you and/or your kids need for your post-divorce life. Your divorce attorney will also advise you how to govern yourself during the divorce process, and how to prepare yourself for the possible responses by your estranged husband. Many Breadwinners seek primary custody of the minor children because even though they have not been active during the marriage with the kids, they will become very active with the children when a divorce is filed. Typically, he doesn't want to give you money, and these type of men will do what they can to avoid putting any amount directly in your hand.
5. Keep your mouth closed. Do not discuss your plans with any family members or friends. You probably need to wait until just right before or the day of your divorce filing to tell your parents or very close family members. They may inadvertently alert your husband, or they may offer what I call laypeople's "legal" advice ("I heard that...") That advice is almost always legally incorrect or incomplete. Once your divorce is filed, do not provide too many details to family members and friends. You need their support, but you do not need them in your business.
This information provides just some preliminary steps to take if you are a stay at home mom considering a divorce. It is a difficult decision, but once you make your mind up, you must prepare yourself properly. It will be an emotional roller-coaster and a battle like no other. A well-thought out plan is critical to your post-divorce survival, and remember - Preparation is key!
For whatever reason, after practicing family law for almost 22 years, I find that men who are Breadwinners rarely file for divorce, even if the marriage is basically over, meaning the spouses have no intimacy, they sleep in separate rooms, they do not communicate much, except as it relates to the kids, and they no longer spend time together as a couple (no date nights and no trips together without the kids), etc.
There is truth in the saying, "It's cheaper to keep her." Most married men who are the Breadwinners in the family would rather stay in a dead marriage than to file for divorce because they do not want to pay child support and/or alimony. Instead, these men will have one or more (usually multiple) affairs, and continue on with their day-to-day living as if everything is going great at home, all while ignoring his wife and her personal needs. (Note - not every Breadwinner is this way, but enough of them are for you to prepare yourself for what is to come when a divorce is filed.) Some Breadwinners who work in corporate America would much rather keep up the image as a married, family man, even though he and his wife sleep in separate rooms at home. He will make sure all the bills are paid at home, but that's the full extent of the relationship that he maintains with his wife, and he is perfectly fine with it. He will ignore your complaints and pleas to make your marriage work because it is working for him and his professional purposes. And, he is thoroughly enjoying his personal life - without you. He may even suggest that you get a life and stop nagging him so much!
So, what do you do as the stay at home mom, or as the wife has not worked outside of her marriage (i.e., the wife who has fully supported her husband's business over the years by handling all administrative matters for her husband's company, by handling all tax matters for her husband's business, by reviewing all contracts or by managing all contract workers for her husband's business, etc.)? You have begun to feel dead inside your marriage. Your husband ignores you in every way, and he seems to be perfectly content in a separate life that does not include you. You have stayed for years because of the kids, and you have attempted to turn your husband's interest back to you, but everything has failed. You've cooked his favorite meals, you've gone to the gym and gotten in the best shape of your life, you have gone to counseling alone because the problem is you, not him (which is what he told you), and you have accompanied your husband to all company events, looking flawless - until he just suddenly stopped asking you to go. Now, what?
1. The first thing you must do is to make your mind up that you want out. You need to think long and hard. If out is what you want, then you have to prepare yourself. Make up your mind first. This is the hardest step.
2. Since you have been out of the workforce (outside of the home), part of your post divorce survival will depend on a proper division of marital assets. Not just physical things like furniture and paintings, but intangible assets like retirement accounts, pensions, money market accounts, CD's, investments, and other intangible assets. What about that value of the business that you helped create or elevate during the marriage? What about the vacation home, condo, and rental property? Gather information on all assets, real, personal and intangible before you make a move. Your access to these assets will be diminished if you file for divorce before your preparation is done.
3. Gather as much relevant evidence as possible before selecting your attorney. Evidence of income over at least a 3-year period or longer, marital assets, debts, bad behavior such as adultery, cruel treatment, abuse, lack of co-parenting by the husband - whatever is applicable, gather it before you hire and attorney, and continue gathering evidence before your divorce is actually filed. Then once it is filed, continue to gather and monitor everything that you still have access to because your estranged husband will shut you down once he is served with the divorce.
4. Secure an aggressive attorney that will work with you. More on this in a later blog. Suffice it to say that Breadwinners will do everything possible to protect what they have, and you will need an experienced attorney to know how to go after what you and/or your kids need for your post-divorce life. Your divorce attorney will also advise you how to govern yourself during the divorce process, and how to prepare yourself for the possible responses by your estranged husband. Many Breadwinners seek primary custody of the minor children because even though they have not been active during the marriage with the kids, they will become very active with the children when a divorce is filed. Typically, he doesn't want to give you money, and these type of men will do what they can to avoid putting any amount directly in your hand.
5. Keep your mouth closed. Do not discuss your plans with any family members or friends. You probably need to wait until just right before or the day of your divorce filing to tell your parents or very close family members. They may inadvertently alert your husband, or they may offer what I call laypeople's "legal" advice ("I heard that...") That advice is almost always legally incorrect or incomplete. Once your divorce is filed, do not provide too many details to family members and friends. You need their support, but you do not need them in your business.
This information provides just some preliminary steps to take if you are a stay at home mom considering a divorce. It is a difficult decision, but once you make your mind up, you must prepare yourself properly. It will be an emotional roller-coaster and a battle like no other. A well-thought out plan is critical to your post-divorce survival, and remember - Preparation is key!
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